Couple Communication Part 2

Part 2: Blending Personalities

An important part of a relationship is how well the personalities of the two individuals blend. Often, rather than a blend, there is conflict, competition, misunderstanding, and/or unmet expectations.

It actually isn’t surprising that personalities can conflict. Think of it this way: We have all grown up inside ourselves, with our own history, temperament, experiences, and way of looking at the world. It is fairly normal to assume that others have had similar experiences, or at least that they look at the world much like we do. Imagine our surprise when we discover that it isn’t so. Or worse, when we don’t figure it out or refuse to accept differences.

It is therefore very important to understand our own personalities as well as others’. To do this, we need a common ground language to be able communicate and understand the similarities and differences. There are a variety of personality tests available. Psychologists offer a number of clinical tests. However, as a marriage therapist, I have found that a simple test with simple language is more people friendly. Several that I like are The Color Code by T. Hartman and Personality Plus by Florence Litthauer. In fact, they are so similar that I have created a chart that dovetails them together. In addition, I often label them as well with Winnie the Pooh Characters. The chart places them in each of four sections on one page. I have clients highlight any characteristics that describe them. Then, we compare, contrast and explain these to each other.

Basically, these authors describe four basic types of personalities, and some combinations of them. One is the Red/Choleric/Rabbit personality – strong leaders, in charge, have to be right, often successful, focused, productive, demanding, impatient, competitive, and sometimes angry, forceful, and manipulative.

The Second is the Blue/Melancholy/ Eyore/Kanga personality – needing emotional intimacy, understanding and appreciation; giving and needing nurturing, self-disciplined, organized, detail-oriented, feelings easily hurt, depressed, unrealistic expectations, and critical with self and others.

The Third is the White/Phlegmatic/Pooh Personality – needing peace, space, and respect; tolerant, patient, calm, accepting, able to mediate, good listener, can nurture, resists change, silently stubborn, procrastinates sometimes lazy and directionless.

The Fourth is the Yellow/Sanguine/Tigger Personality – motivated by fun, needing notice and praise; positive, forgiving, friendly, on-stage, optimistic, trusting, appreciative, playful; but also poor listener, inconsistent, irresponsible, impulsive and self- centered.

Obviously, few people fit neatly into one category. They may have emotional characteristics of one type, and behavioral characteristics of another. In fact, sometimes they have one part of their personality competing with another part, which brings about the need for some “intra-personality” work.

Each personality has strengths and weaknesses. Some people choose a partner who has strengths where he/she has weaknesses. Others are surprised when they find how different their partner really is from them. As a therapist, I work to help the couple not only see those differences, but see the strength in those differences. The Blue person may be frustrated that the White partner is not as exacting and organized as he/she, but can be helped to see that that partner also has the patience and ability to accept others, to nurture and to listen in an understanding way.

The Red personality can be very demanding of his/her partner in order to accomplish what seems to be important, but hurting or distancing the partner emotionally. The Red personality, wanting to be successful, can be helped to do the things that help the other person feel wanted and appreciated, and sometimes even motivated to perform some of the functions the Red person needs. The partner in turn feels successful because of the Red's recognition.

The biggest mistake is being frustrated with the partner because they aren’t someone else. Rather, dividing tasks and responsibilities according to interests and abilities, and supporting and celebrating those differences rather than criticizing them will strengthen the relationship. Being able to discuss our needs and looking for ways to meet those needs within the relationship is a wonderful challenge.

Let’s blend our personalities rather than try to make the other person a clone of ourselves or of others. We are each unique, and that is great.

Couple Communication

Communication for Couples
By Dr. Mom

As a Marriage Counselor, I have been asked by some of my “fans” to discuss communication tips for couples. This will probably take several sessions, so this is the first of the series.

Where Did You Come From? What Did You Do?

One of the roadblocks of marriage communication is the assumption that each person feels that others see life the way he/she does. That leads to additional assumptions that the other person not only wants what he/she does, but that they know what he/she needs. Sorry, but that only happens in romantic novels and fairy tales.

In real life, we all come from different families with different dynamics, relationships, and experiences. We have different genetics, different temperaments, different personalities, and thus different “world views.” Given that, it’s almost amazing we communicate at all. And that explains why we have to work so hard at it.

When I work with couples, I begin with an initial interview where I first get their help in creating a genogram of their family. This is a chart where they appear with their current and any former spouse/s, children born to each, and any marriages and children their own children may have. Then, we go back a generation or two to see their own siblings and parents, and even grandparents. Next we look at any traits, behaviors, or genetics qualities that might have been passed down: alcoholism, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, anger issues, divorce, talents, interests, and abilities. That gives a picture of each individual and their experiences.

Following the genogram, I ask each member of the couple brief questions about their lives from birth to the present – any important events, the nature of relationships and their own development. Any important traumas (abuse, bullying, arrests, divorces, moves, lost friends or lost loves) often are mentioned. Also, we talk about successes, accomplishments, joys, and positive experiences.

Though I wouldn’t suggest these kinds of questions and exploration on a first date, I think many couples only get bits and pieces of the above information, yet it has a major impact on the real person.

So, along with candlelight dinners and romantic walks on the beach, a couple who is serious about one another, and later one who is married, would do well to discuss real life by talking about families, growing up, and important experiences.

Fresh Ginger Cake -

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Dr. Mom
Sunday, September 14, 2008

GINGER CAKE

(Corrected recipe )
4 ounces fresh ginger (weigh it when you buy it)
1 cup water
2 t. baking soda
1 Cup mild molasses
2/3 Cup honey
2/3 C. vegetable oil

2 1/2 C. flour (part whole-wheat if desired)
1 t. ground cinnamon
1/2 t. ground cloves
1/2 ground black pepper
2 eggs
Trim off any bad places from ginger. Then blend with water in blender or food processor until very fine. If "strings" from the root remain, seive them off. Bring water mixture to a boil, add soda, stir and turn heat off. Add molasses, oil, and honey (I measure the oil first, then add the others in the same measuring container and they don't stick to the container so much.)
Measure dry ingredients into a mixing bowl. Add liquids. Mix briefly. Add eggs, mixing until everything is thoroughly combined. Pour into oiled and floured (or parchment lined) baking dish (8" x 11" works well). Bake at 350 for 40-45 minutes. Cool. Serve with ice cream or whipped cream/cool whip. Can add peaches, applesauce, or bananas as a garnish.

Wave Power

I had never thought about the power of waves - but they are amazing - and a source of alternative power. The Technology Quarterly in the June 7 Economist has a lot of articles on energy. The one about harnessing wave power is especially interesting. It seems that it is a fairly undeveloped field, and the methods seem rudimentary. The main problem they are having is the way the waves batter the equipment they use. Other problems are getting the power back to shore where it can be used. The waves are free, but the equipment and maintenance are not. It will be an area to watch.
Dr. Mom

Wind power

I am interested in seeing the various types of alternative power that are being considered. Wind power seems like a good alternative -- just a little expensive, but it doesn't seem that it would cause any negative effect on the environment, unless someone objects to seeing pointy spinning things on towers in an otherise unblemished landscape. I've heard that you can get windmill devises for your roof (more round than pointy). Anyone know anything more of have an opinion?

Howdy

Hi - all - this is Dr. Mom. I'm really a Mom -- I have some of my own and some I share. I'm also a professional counselor. So, I enjoy talking about kids, grandkids, teaching, and counseling -- and gardens, etc.
Dr. Mom