Couple Communication Part 2

Part 2: Blending Personalities

An important part of a relationship is how well the personalities of the two individuals blend. Often, rather than a blend, there is conflict, competition, misunderstanding, and/or unmet expectations.

It actually isn’t surprising that personalities can conflict. Think of it this way: We have all grown up inside ourselves, with our own history, temperament, experiences, and way of looking at the world. It is fairly normal to assume that others have had similar experiences, or at least that they look at the world much like we do. Imagine our surprise when we discover that it isn’t so. Or worse, when we don’t figure it out or refuse to accept differences.

It is therefore very important to understand our own personalities as well as others’. To do this, we need a common ground language to be able communicate and understand the similarities and differences. There are a variety of personality tests available. Psychologists offer a number of clinical tests. However, as a marriage therapist, I have found that a simple test with simple language is more people friendly. Several that I like are The Color Code by T. Hartman and Personality Plus by Florence Litthauer. In fact, they are so similar that I have created a chart that dovetails them together. In addition, I often label them as well with Winnie the Pooh Characters. The chart places them in each of four sections on one page. I have clients highlight any characteristics that describe them. Then, we compare, contrast and explain these to each other.

Basically, these authors describe four basic types of personalities, and some combinations of them. One is the Red/Choleric/Rabbit personality – strong leaders, in charge, have to be right, often successful, focused, productive, demanding, impatient, competitive, and sometimes angry, forceful, and manipulative.

The Second is the Blue/Melancholy/ Eyore/Kanga personality – needing emotional intimacy, understanding and appreciation; giving and needing nurturing, self-disciplined, organized, detail-oriented, feelings easily hurt, depressed, unrealistic expectations, and critical with self and others.

The Third is the White/Phlegmatic/Pooh Personality – needing peace, space, and respect; tolerant, patient, calm, accepting, able to mediate, good listener, can nurture, resists change, silently stubborn, procrastinates sometimes lazy and directionless.

The Fourth is the Yellow/Sanguine/Tigger Personality – motivated by fun, needing notice and praise; positive, forgiving, friendly, on-stage, optimistic, trusting, appreciative, playful; but also poor listener, inconsistent, irresponsible, impulsive and self- centered.

Obviously, few people fit neatly into one category. They may have emotional characteristics of one type, and behavioral characteristics of another. In fact, sometimes they have one part of their personality competing with another part, which brings about the need for some “intra-personality” work.

Each personality has strengths and weaknesses. Some people choose a partner who has strengths where he/she has weaknesses. Others are surprised when they find how different their partner really is from them. As a therapist, I work to help the couple not only see those differences, but see the strength in those differences. The Blue person may be frustrated that the White partner is not as exacting and organized as he/she, but can be helped to see that that partner also has the patience and ability to accept others, to nurture and to listen in an understanding way.

The Red personality can be very demanding of his/her partner in order to accomplish what seems to be important, but hurting or distancing the partner emotionally. The Red personality, wanting to be successful, can be helped to do the things that help the other person feel wanted and appreciated, and sometimes even motivated to perform some of the functions the Red person needs. The partner in turn feels successful because of the Red's recognition.

The biggest mistake is being frustrated with the partner because they aren’t someone else. Rather, dividing tasks and responsibilities according to interests and abilities, and supporting and celebrating those differences rather than criticizing them will strengthen the relationship. Being able to discuss our needs and looking for ways to meet those needs within the relationship is a wonderful challenge.

Let’s blend our personalities rather than try to make the other person a clone of ourselves or of others. We are each unique, and that is great.