ACCOUNTABILITY AND EMPATHY

ACCOUNTABILITY AND EMPATHY

Susan S. Campbell PhD, MFT

I have recently been focusing on some very important needed qualities in people’s lives. Having worked with a variety of clients and having read some psychological evaluations, I noticed a theme among them. Those who were most likely to be in prison or to be losing relationships and hurting others lacked one or two qualities – accountability and empathy.

It made me do an inventory of my own life to be certain I am not missing in those areas. Additionally, it made me assess my own parenting, wondering if I had taught and exemplified those qualities to my own children. I also wondered if, in my counseling practice, I had made sure to evaluate those areas with my clients and had been helping parents teach them to their children.

They are really basic qualities. In a biblical sense, Paul the Apostle taught of the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law – knowing and doing what is right, but also understanding why as we try to feel and express Christ-like love. We could also call it Left brain (the logical, rule-following, note-taking, behaving side) and Right brain (the emotional, creative, sometimes childlike, but also caring side of the brain).

I think accountability is easier to teach. We can use behavioral methods to help kids learn to do what is right. We can teach principles and rules, and can give them consequences when they break those rules. As we work with children more closely, however, we can also help them understand why the rules are important. They can see how breaking the rules has hurt others and made their lives more difficult. That is when empathy is learned.

One of the areas where I volunteer is in the Juvenile Court Victim/Offender Program. As a mediator, I meet individually with youth who have broken the law in a way that has impacted a victim. There are fines, detention time, service hours, etc. that are imposed on the youth. Often our job is to help them meet with the victim to determine restitution. Through that process, the youth can be helped to be more accountable for what he has done.

The mediation program, however, has a deeper purpose. As mediators, we have also met with the victims and learned from them about the emotional impact of the crime in their lives. As we talk with the youth we invite them to try to see how the victim might be feeling and how this crime may have hurt them. This is often a new journey for a young person, who might mainly think about himself. It can be an ah-ha experience. In many cases, however, they have already had this talk with their parents, and they have already faced the inconvenient truth of their behavior. If the youth seems unable to feel this empathy, we wait for further meetings or time until he can reach it, as we don’t wish to have him be insensitive to the victim.

When we bring the offenders together with the victims for the mediation, we have the offenders talk about what they imagine the victims might be feeling. We then have them listen to the victims as they explain their own experience and emotions. Tears are often shed as the youth hears and see the distress and pain of the victims. (Obviously, we do not mediate sexual or physical abuse that could re-victimize the victim). Offenders have an additional ah-ha experience as they begin to internalize the deeper impact of their behavior. As the youth apologize to their victims, tears again are often shed. In so many cases, adult victims will exemplify their own empathy by expressing concern for offenders’ futures – that they will have a better life and make better decisions and find ways to create happiness for themselves and others. They often offer a hand of friendship or even mentorship to these young people. In many cases, the offenders never re-offend. By developing empathy, they are less likely to create pain for others.

So, how do we do this with our own children, and with ourselves. The accountability piece involves teaching the rules, commandments, laws in the first place, and helping children see that they are important and need to be kept. It involves setting an example of keeping rules. Though we listen to them as they might blame others or make excuses, and we may offer some understanding and flexibility in some cases, we help the child own his own problems. We help them admit to things they have done wrong and shoulder that burden. We then help them begin the repentance process.

They could possibly repent in a very logical way – admitting to their mistake, taking steps of restitution in the form of payment and service, and even say they are sorry. But that doesn’t necessarily bring them empathy. That is a more complicated step. Somehow, they need to be able to place themselves in the position of the person they have wronged. They need to take that person’s perspective and look and feel about life as the other person would. They need to feel godly sorrow for what they have done, and sorrow for how they have hurt or frightened the other person. They need to care deeply for the other person. This is empathy.

How do children learn empathy? The examples above may be a start. They will receive other examples and teachings in church settings. They will have their own times of being hurt. We can help them realize how that feels and have them sit with that feeling for a time. Then we can help them imagine how that very experience might feel to another person, and how their hurt or fear may feel much the same to them. We can express empathy for a child’s experiences and respond to that empathy in appropriate ways by offering to listen to the child as long as needed. We can ask “What do you think?” and “ How do you feel?” Then we can help the child figure out what he/she needs (“What do you need?” or “What do you need to do?”) to feel better and help them toward that. Maybe helping them figure what the other person needs can help them. We can share some of our own feelings with a child so they can develop empathy for us, as long as we don’t dump our burdens on a child who shouldn’t have to “take care of us”.

I think we continue to learn accountability and empathy throughout our lives – new lessons, new understandings. We each need to evaluate our own lives periodically to be sure both exist. If somehow we missed learning this, or teaching it to our children, there is still time for those discussions and those experiences. However, they are much harder at an adult level. It is best to learn them as children. Studies suggest that children as young as three can feel empathy for others. I hope that in our gentle way we will exemplify and teach these wonderful qualities throughout our lives.