Communication for Couples
By Dr. Mom
As a Marriage Counselor, I have been asked by some of my “fans” to discuss communication tips for couples. This will probably take several sessions, so this is the first of the series.
Where Did You Come From? What Did You Do?
One of the roadblocks of marriage communication is the assumption that each person feels that others see life the way he/she does. That leads to additional assumptions that the other person not only wants what he/she does, but that they know what he/she needs. Sorry, but that only happens in romantic novels and fairy tales.
In real life, we all come from different families with different dynamics, relationships, and experiences. We have different genetics, different temperaments, different personalities, and thus different “world views.” Given that, it’s almost amazing we communicate at all. And that explains why we have to work so hard at it.
When I work with couples, I begin with an initial interview where I first get their help in creating a genogram of their family. This is a chart where they appear with their current and any former spouse/s, children born to each, and any marriages and children their own children may have. Then, we go back a generation or two to see their own siblings and parents, and even grandparents. Next we look at any traits, behaviors, or genetics qualities that might have been passed down: alcoholism, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, anger issues, divorce, talents, interests, and abilities. That gives a picture of each individual and their experiences.
Following the genogram, I ask each member of the couple brief questions about their lives from birth to the present – any important events, the nature of relationships and their own development. Any important traumas (abuse, bullying, arrests, divorces, moves, lost friends or lost loves) often are mentioned. Also, we talk about successes, accomplishments, joys, and positive experiences.
Though I wouldn’t suggest these kinds of questions and exploration on a first date, I think many couples only get bits and pieces of the above information, yet it has a major impact on the real person.
So, along with candlelight dinners and romantic walks on the beach, a couple who is serious about one another, and later one who is married, would do well to discuss real life by talking about families, growing up, and important experiences.
By Dr. Mom
As a Marriage Counselor, I have been asked by some of my “fans” to discuss communication tips for couples. This will probably take several sessions, so this is the first of the series.
Where Did You Come From? What Did You Do?
One of the roadblocks of marriage communication is the assumption that each person feels that others see life the way he/she does. That leads to additional assumptions that the other person not only wants what he/she does, but that they know what he/she needs. Sorry, but that only happens in romantic novels and fairy tales.
In real life, we all come from different families with different dynamics, relationships, and experiences. We have different genetics, different temperaments, different personalities, and thus different “world views.” Given that, it’s almost amazing we communicate at all. And that explains why we have to work so hard at it.
When I work with couples, I begin with an initial interview where I first get their help in creating a genogram of their family. This is a chart where they appear with their current and any former spouse/s, children born to each, and any marriages and children their own children may have. Then, we go back a generation or two to see their own siblings and parents, and even grandparents. Next we look at any traits, behaviors, or genetics qualities that might have been passed down: alcoholism, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, anger issues, divorce, talents, interests, and abilities. That gives a picture of each individual and their experiences.
Following the genogram, I ask each member of the couple brief questions about their lives from birth to the present – any important events, the nature of relationships and their own development. Any important traumas (abuse, bullying, arrests, divorces, moves, lost friends or lost loves) often are mentioned. Also, we talk about successes, accomplishments, joys, and positive experiences.
Though I wouldn’t suggest these kinds of questions and exploration on a first date, I think many couples only get bits and pieces of the above information, yet it has a major impact on the real person.
So, along with candlelight dinners and romantic walks on the beach, a couple who is serious about one another, and later one who is married, would do well to discuss real life by talking about families, growing up, and important experiences.
