Peter Whittmer Farm.
On Wednesday morning, Sep 8, 2010, Don and I were heading back to Palmyra, but missed a turn and ended up being close to the Peter Whittmer Farm. We decided to start our day there. It was perfect, because we walked into the Visitor’s Center and had the place to ourselves. We enjoyed seeing the parallel organizational picture charts of the Gospel- in the Ancient Day, Early Church days, and current organization.
As we moved around the room, we came across some drawings of the early Saints as the Church was organized. I caught my breath and had to sit down as I saw the drawings that were done for the first Ensign. It came out in 1971, but the artist needed models to pose for the drawings, and had arranged for our student married ward to pose for those pictures. I had missed the activity, but Bob had gone. He was selected to pose as Oliver Cowdery. I cried as I looked at those drawings, looking so much like the man I knew and loved back then. I remembered how stalwart he had been - how willing to serve and to do all he was asked. He didn’t seem to doubt the church in those days. He was serving as a Stake Clerk and rubbed shoulders with some great leaders, including Paul Cheesman, a Book of Mormon archealogy scholar and Religious professor who taught the High Council and Stake Presidency a series of lessons on the Book of Mormon. That was amazing.
I thought of all the leadership positions Bob had had over the years and how faithfully he had served. Even in his last position, President Howard (then Bishop) whom Bob served under as his 1st Counselor, had said that Bob was so hard-working and obedient. He had kept the organizations under him staffed because he moved so quickly on getting approval for the names of teachers, etc. and then calling them to positions. Pres. Howard hadn’t even known Bob when he was inspired to call him as his counselor. Bob did very well, but realized that the old questions he had had now and then about the gospel were plaguing him, and he could no longer put his heart into his position, and had asked to be released. With that began the demise of Bob’s activity in the church, and with it, our marriage.
I received, while thinking through that history, a testimony that I really was supposed to marry Bob and that he really was ordained to be the father of our children. They have many of his fine qualities, and deserved to be part of his family. I don’t regret those years and those memories. In fact, I celebrate them. They are precious to me and part of who I am and who my children are today.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
Friday, March 13, 2009
ACCOUNTABILITY AND EMPATHY
ACCOUNTABILITY AND EMPATHY
Susan S. Campbell PhD, MFT
I have recently been focusing on some very important needed qualities in people’s lives. Having worked with a variety of clients and having read some psychological evaluations, I noticed a theme among them. Those who were most likely to be in prison or to be losing relationships and hurting others lacked one or two qualities – accountability and empathy.
It made me do an inventory of my own life to be certain I am not missing in those areas. Additionally, it made me assess my own parenting, wondering if I had taught and exemplified those qualities to my own children. I also wondered if, in my counseling practice, I had made sure to evaluate those areas with my clients and had been helping parents teach them to their children.
They are really basic qualities. In a biblical sense, Paul the Apostle taught of the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law – knowing and doing what is right, but also understanding why as we try to feel and express Christ-like love. We could also call it Left brain (the logical, rule-following, note-taking, behaving side) and Right brain (the emotional, creative, sometimes childlike, but also caring side of the brain).
I think accountability is easier to teach. We can use behavioral methods to help kids learn to do what is right. We can teach principles and rules, and can give them consequences when they break those rules. As we work with children more closely, however, we can also help them understand why the rules are important. They can see how breaking the rules has hurt others and made their lives more difficult. That is when empathy is learned.
One of the areas where I volunteer is in the Juvenile Court Victim/Offender Program. As a mediator, I meet individually with youth who have broken the law in a way that has impacted a victim. There are fines, detention time, service hours, etc. that are imposed on the youth. Often our job is to help them meet with the victim to determine restitution. Through that process, the youth can be helped to be more accountable for what he has done.
The mediation program, however, has a deeper purpose. As mediators, we have also met with the victims and learned from them about the emotional impact of the crime in their lives. As we talk with the youth we invite them to try to see how the victim might be feeling and how this crime may have hurt them. This is often a new journey for a young person, who might mainly think about himself. It can be an ah-ha experience. In many cases, however, they have already had this talk with their parents, and they have already faced the inconvenient truth of their behavior. If the youth seems unable to feel this empathy, we wait for further meetings or time until he can reach it, as we don’t wish to have him be insensitive to the victim.
When we bring the offenders together with the victims for the mediation, we have the offenders talk about what they imagine the victims might be feeling. We then have them listen to the victims as they explain their own experience and emotions. Tears are often shed as the youth hears and see the distress and pain of the victims. (Obviously, we do not mediate sexual or physical abuse that could re-victimize the victim). Offenders have an additional ah-ha experience as they begin to internalize the deeper impact of their behavior. As the youth apologize to their victims, tears again are often shed. In so many cases, adult victims will exemplify their own empathy by expressing concern for offenders’ futures – that they will have a better life and make better decisions and find ways to create happiness for themselves and others. They often offer a hand of friendship or even mentorship to these young people. In many cases, the offenders never re-offend. By developing empathy, they are less likely to create pain for others.
So, how do we do this with our own children, and with ourselves. The accountability piece involves teaching the rules, commandments, laws in the first place, and helping children see that they are important and need to be kept. It involves setting an example of keeping rules. Though we listen to them as they might blame others or make excuses, and we may offer some understanding and flexibility in some cases, we help the child own his own problems. We help them admit to things they have done wrong and shoulder that burden. We then help them begin the repentance process.
They could possibly repent in a very logical way – admitting to their mistake, taking steps of restitution in the form of payment and service, and even say they are sorry. But that doesn’t necessarily bring them empathy. That is a more complicated step. Somehow, they need to be able to place themselves in the position of the person they have wronged. They need to take that person’s perspective and look and feel about life as the other person would. They need to feel godly sorrow for what they have done, and sorrow for how they have hurt or frightened the other person. They need to care deeply for the other person. This is empathy.
How do children learn empathy? The examples above may be a start. They will receive other examples and teachings in church settings. They will have their own times of being hurt. We can help them realize how that feels and have them sit with that feeling for a time. Then we can help them imagine how that very experience might feel to another person, and how their hurt or fear may feel much the same to them. We can express empathy for a child’s experiences and respond to that empathy in appropriate ways by offering to listen to the child as long as needed. We can ask “What do you think?” and “ How do you feel?” Then we can help the child figure out what he/she needs (“What do you need?” or “What do you need to do?”) to feel better and help them toward that. Maybe helping them figure what the other person needs can help them. We can share some of our own feelings with a child so they can develop empathy for us, as long as we don’t dump our burdens on a child who shouldn’t have to “take care of us”.
I think we continue to learn accountability and empathy throughout our lives – new lessons, new understandings. We each need to evaluate our own lives periodically to be sure both exist. If somehow we missed learning this, or teaching it to our children, there is still time for those discussions and those experiences. However, they are much harder at an adult level. It is best to learn them as children. Studies suggest that children as young as three can feel empathy for others. I hope that in our gentle way we will exemplify and teach these wonderful qualities throughout our lives.
Susan S. Campbell PhD, MFT
I have recently been focusing on some very important needed qualities in people’s lives. Having worked with a variety of clients and having read some psychological evaluations, I noticed a theme among them. Those who were most likely to be in prison or to be losing relationships and hurting others lacked one or two qualities – accountability and empathy.
It made me do an inventory of my own life to be certain I am not missing in those areas. Additionally, it made me assess my own parenting, wondering if I had taught and exemplified those qualities to my own children. I also wondered if, in my counseling practice, I had made sure to evaluate those areas with my clients and had been helping parents teach them to their children.
They are really basic qualities. In a biblical sense, Paul the Apostle taught of the Letter of the Law and the Spirit of the Law – knowing and doing what is right, but also understanding why as we try to feel and express Christ-like love. We could also call it Left brain (the logical, rule-following, note-taking, behaving side) and Right brain (the emotional, creative, sometimes childlike, but also caring side of the brain).
I think accountability is easier to teach. We can use behavioral methods to help kids learn to do what is right. We can teach principles and rules, and can give them consequences when they break those rules. As we work with children more closely, however, we can also help them understand why the rules are important. They can see how breaking the rules has hurt others and made their lives more difficult. That is when empathy is learned.
One of the areas where I volunteer is in the Juvenile Court Victim/Offender Program. As a mediator, I meet individually with youth who have broken the law in a way that has impacted a victim. There are fines, detention time, service hours, etc. that are imposed on the youth. Often our job is to help them meet with the victim to determine restitution. Through that process, the youth can be helped to be more accountable for what he has done.
The mediation program, however, has a deeper purpose. As mediators, we have also met with the victims and learned from them about the emotional impact of the crime in their lives. As we talk with the youth we invite them to try to see how the victim might be feeling and how this crime may have hurt them. This is often a new journey for a young person, who might mainly think about himself. It can be an ah-ha experience. In many cases, however, they have already had this talk with their parents, and they have already faced the inconvenient truth of their behavior. If the youth seems unable to feel this empathy, we wait for further meetings or time until he can reach it, as we don’t wish to have him be insensitive to the victim.
When we bring the offenders together with the victims for the mediation, we have the offenders talk about what they imagine the victims might be feeling. We then have them listen to the victims as they explain their own experience and emotions. Tears are often shed as the youth hears and see the distress and pain of the victims. (Obviously, we do not mediate sexual or physical abuse that could re-victimize the victim). Offenders have an additional ah-ha experience as they begin to internalize the deeper impact of their behavior. As the youth apologize to their victims, tears again are often shed. In so many cases, adult victims will exemplify their own empathy by expressing concern for offenders’ futures – that they will have a better life and make better decisions and find ways to create happiness for themselves and others. They often offer a hand of friendship or even mentorship to these young people. In many cases, the offenders never re-offend. By developing empathy, they are less likely to create pain for others.
So, how do we do this with our own children, and with ourselves. The accountability piece involves teaching the rules, commandments, laws in the first place, and helping children see that they are important and need to be kept. It involves setting an example of keeping rules. Though we listen to them as they might blame others or make excuses, and we may offer some understanding and flexibility in some cases, we help the child own his own problems. We help them admit to things they have done wrong and shoulder that burden. We then help them begin the repentance process.
They could possibly repent in a very logical way – admitting to their mistake, taking steps of restitution in the form of payment and service, and even say they are sorry. But that doesn’t necessarily bring them empathy. That is a more complicated step. Somehow, they need to be able to place themselves in the position of the person they have wronged. They need to take that person’s perspective and look and feel about life as the other person would. They need to feel godly sorrow for what they have done, and sorrow for how they have hurt or frightened the other person. They need to care deeply for the other person. This is empathy.
How do children learn empathy? The examples above may be a start. They will receive other examples and teachings in church settings. They will have their own times of being hurt. We can help them realize how that feels and have them sit with that feeling for a time. Then we can help them imagine how that very experience might feel to another person, and how their hurt or fear may feel much the same to them. We can express empathy for a child’s experiences and respond to that empathy in appropriate ways by offering to listen to the child as long as needed. We can ask “What do you think?” and “ How do you feel?” Then we can help the child figure out what he/she needs (“What do you need?” or “What do you need to do?”) to feel better and help them toward that. Maybe helping them figure what the other person needs can help them. We can share some of our own feelings with a child so they can develop empathy for us, as long as we don’t dump our burdens on a child who shouldn’t have to “take care of us”.
I think we continue to learn accountability and empathy throughout our lives – new lessons, new understandings. We each need to evaluate our own lives periodically to be sure both exist. If somehow we missed learning this, or teaching it to our children, there is still time for those discussions and those experiences. However, they are much harder at an adult level. It is best to learn them as children. Studies suggest that children as young as three can feel empathy for others. I hope that in our gentle way we will exemplify and teach these wonderful qualities throughout our lives.
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Couple Communication Part 2
Part 2: Blending Personalities
An important part of a relationship is how well the personalities of the two individuals blend. Often, rather than a blend, there is conflict, competition, misunderstanding, and/or unmet expectations.
It actually isn’t surprising that personalities can conflict. Think of it this way: We have all grown up inside ourselves, with our own history, temperament, experiences, and way of looking at the world. It is fairly normal to assume that others have had similar experiences, or at least that they look at the world much like we do. Imagine our surprise when we discover that it isn’t so. Or worse, when we don’t figure it out or refuse to accept differences.
It is therefore very important to understand our own personalities as well as others’. To do this, we need a common ground language to be able communicate and understand the similarities and differences. There are a variety of personality tests available. Psychologists offer a number of clinical tests. However, as a marriage therapist, I have found that a simple test with simple language is more people friendly. Several that I like are The Color Code by T. Hartman and Personality Plus by Florence Litthauer. In fact, they are so similar that I have created a chart that dovetails them together. In addition, I often label them as well with Winnie the Pooh Characters. The chart places them in each of four sections on one page. I have clients highlight any characteristics that describe them. Then, we compare, contrast and explain these to each other.
Basically, these authors describe four basic types of personalities, and some combinations of them. One is the Red/Choleric/Rabbit personality – strong leaders, in charge, have to be right, often successful, focused, productive, demanding, impatient, competitive, and sometimes angry, forceful, and manipulative.
The Second is the Blue/Melancholy/ Eyore/Kanga personality – needing emotional intimacy, understanding and appreciation; giving and needing nurturing, self-disciplined, organized, detail-oriented, feelings easily hurt, depressed, unrealistic expectations, and critical with self and others.
The Third is the White/Phlegmatic/Pooh Personality – needing peace, space, and respect; tolerant, patient, calm, accepting, able to mediate, good listener, can nurture, resists change, silently stubborn, procrastinates sometimes lazy and directionless.
The Fourth is the Yellow/Sanguine/Tigger Personality – motivated by fun, needing notice and praise; positive, forgiving, friendly, on-stage, optimistic, trusting, appreciative, playful; but also poor listener, inconsistent, irresponsible, impulsive and self- centered.
Obviously, few people fit neatly into one category. They may have emotional characteristics of one type, and behavioral characteristics of another. In fact, sometimes they have one part of their personality competing with another part, which brings about the need for some “intra-personality” work.
Each personality has strengths and weaknesses. Some people choose a partner who has strengths where he/she has weaknesses. Others are surprised when they find how different their partner really is from them. As a therapist, I work to help the couple not only see those differences, but see the strength in those differences. The Blue person may be frustrated that the White partner is not as exacting and organized as he/she, but can be helped to see that that partner also has the patience and ability to accept others, to nurture and to listen in an understanding way.
The Red personality can be very demanding of his/her partner in order to accomplish what seems to be important, but hurting or distancing the partner emotionally. The Red personality, wanting to be successful, can be helped to do the things that help the other person feel wanted and appreciated, and sometimes even motivated to perform some of the functions the Red person needs. The partner in turn feels successful because of the Red's recognition.
The biggest mistake is being frustrated with the partner because they aren’t someone else. Rather, dividing tasks and responsibilities according to interests and abilities, and supporting and celebrating those differences rather than criticizing them will strengthen the relationship. Being able to discuss our needs and looking for ways to meet those needs within the relationship is a wonderful challenge.
Let’s blend our personalities rather than try to make the other person a clone of ourselves or of others. We are each unique, and that is great.
An important part of a relationship is how well the personalities of the two individuals blend. Often, rather than a blend, there is conflict, competition, misunderstanding, and/or unmet expectations.
It actually isn’t surprising that personalities can conflict. Think of it this way: We have all grown up inside ourselves, with our own history, temperament, experiences, and way of looking at the world. It is fairly normal to assume that others have had similar experiences, or at least that they look at the world much like we do. Imagine our surprise when we discover that it isn’t so. Or worse, when we don’t figure it out or refuse to accept differences.
It is therefore very important to understand our own personalities as well as others’. To do this, we need a common ground language to be able communicate and understand the similarities and differences. There are a variety of personality tests available. Psychologists offer a number of clinical tests. However, as a marriage therapist, I have found that a simple test with simple language is more people friendly. Several that I like are The Color Code by T. Hartman and Personality Plus by Florence Litthauer. In fact, they are so similar that I have created a chart that dovetails them together. In addition, I often label them as well with Winnie the Pooh Characters. The chart places them in each of four sections on one page. I have clients highlight any characteristics that describe them. Then, we compare, contrast and explain these to each other.
Basically, these authors describe four basic types of personalities, and some combinations of them. One is the Red/Choleric/Rabbit personality – strong leaders, in charge, have to be right, often successful, focused, productive, demanding, impatient, competitive, and sometimes angry, forceful, and manipulative.
The Second is the Blue/Melancholy/ Eyore/Kanga personality – needing emotional intimacy, understanding and appreciation; giving and needing nurturing, self-disciplined, organized, detail-oriented, feelings easily hurt, depressed, unrealistic expectations, and critical with self and others.
The Third is the White/Phlegmatic/Pooh Personality – needing peace, space, and respect; tolerant, patient, calm, accepting, able to mediate, good listener, can nurture, resists change, silently stubborn, procrastinates sometimes lazy and directionless.
The Fourth is the Yellow/Sanguine/Tigger Personality – motivated by fun, needing notice and praise; positive, forgiving, friendly, on-stage, optimistic, trusting, appreciative, playful; but also poor listener, inconsistent, irresponsible, impulsive and self- centered.
Obviously, few people fit neatly into one category. They may have emotional characteristics of one type, and behavioral characteristics of another. In fact, sometimes they have one part of their personality competing with another part, which brings about the need for some “intra-personality” work.
Each personality has strengths and weaknesses. Some people choose a partner who has strengths where he/she has weaknesses. Others are surprised when they find how different their partner really is from them. As a therapist, I work to help the couple not only see those differences, but see the strength in those differences. The Blue person may be frustrated that the White partner is not as exacting and organized as he/she, but can be helped to see that that partner also has the patience and ability to accept others, to nurture and to listen in an understanding way.
The Red personality can be very demanding of his/her partner in order to accomplish what seems to be important, but hurting or distancing the partner emotionally. The Red personality, wanting to be successful, can be helped to do the things that help the other person feel wanted and appreciated, and sometimes even motivated to perform some of the functions the Red person needs. The partner in turn feels successful because of the Red's recognition.
The biggest mistake is being frustrated with the partner because they aren’t someone else. Rather, dividing tasks and responsibilities according to interests and abilities, and supporting and celebrating those differences rather than criticizing them will strengthen the relationship. Being able to discuss our needs and looking for ways to meet those needs within the relationship is a wonderful challenge.
Let’s blend our personalities rather than try to make the other person a clone of ourselves or of others. We are each unique, and that is great.
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Couple Communication
Communication for Couples
By Dr. Mom
As a Marriage Counselor, I have been asked by some of my “fans” to discuss communication tips for couples. This will probably take several sessions, so this is the first of the series.
Where Did You Come From? What Did You Do?
One of the roadblocks of marriage communication is the assumption that each person feels that others see life the way he/she does. That leads to additional assumptions that the other person not only wants what he/she does, but that they know what he/she needs. Sorry, but that only happens in romantic novels and fairy tales.
In real life, we all come from different families with different dynamics, relationships, and experiences. We have different genetics, different temperaments, different personalities, and thus different “world views.” Given that, it’s almost amazing we communicate at all. And that explains why we have to work so hard at it.
When I work with couples, I begin with an initial interview where I first get their help in creating a genogram of their family. This is a chart where they appear with their current and any former spouse/s, children born to each, and any marriages and children their own children may have. Then, we go back a generation or two to see their own siblings and parents, and even grandparents. Next we look at any traits, behaviors, or genetics qualities that might have been passed down: alcoholism, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, anger issues, divorce, talents, interests, and abilities. That gives a picture of each individual and their experiences.
Following the genogram, I ask each member of the couple brief questions about their lives from birth to the present – any important events, the nature of relationships and their own development. Any important traumas (abuse, bullying, arrests, divorces, moves, lost friends or lost loves) often are mentioned. Also, we talk about successes, accomplishments, joys, and positive experiences.
Though I wouldn’t suggest these kinds of questions and exploration on a first date, I think many couples only get bits and pieces of the above information, yet it has a major impact on the real person.
So, along with candlelight dinners and romantic walks on the beach, a couple who is serious about one another, and later one who is married, would do well to discuss real life by talking about families, growing up, and important experiences.
By Dr. Mom
As a Marriage Counselor, I have been asked by some of my “fans” to discuss communication tips for couples. This will probably take several sessions, so this is the first of the series.
Where Did You Come From? What Did You Do?
One of the roadblocks of marriage communication is the assumption that each person feels that others see life the way he/she does. That leads to additional assumptions that the other person not only wants what he/she does, but that they know what he/she needs. Sorry, but that only happens in romantic novels and fairy tales.
In real life, we all come from different families with different dynamics, relationships, and experiences. We have different genetics, different temperaments, different personalities, and thus different “world views.” Given that, it’s almost amazing we communicate at all. And that explains why we have to work so hard at it.
When I work with couples, I begin with an initial interview where I first get their help in creating a genogram of their family. This is a chart where they appear with their current and any former spouse/s, children born to each, and any marriages and children their own children may have. Then, we go back a generation or two to see their own siblings and parents, and even grandparents. Next we look at any traits, behaviors, or genetics qualities that might have been passed down: alcoholism, depression, anxiety, bi-polar disorder, ADHD, anger issues, divorce, talents, interests, and abilities. That gives a picture of each individual and their experiences.
Following the genogram, I ask each member of the couple brief questions about their lives from birth to the present – any important events, the nature of relationships and their own development. Any important traumas (abuse, bullying, arrests, divorces, moves, lost friends or lost loves) often are mentioned. Also, we talk about successes, accomplishments, joys, and positive experiences.
Though I wouldn’t suggest these kinds of questions and exploration on a first date, I think many couples only get bits and pieces of the above information, yet it has a major impact on the real person.
So, along with candlelight dinners and romantic walks on the beach, a couple who is serious about one another, and later one who is married, would do well to discuss real life by talking about families, growing up, and important experiences.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Fresh Ginger Cake -
GINGER CAKE
(Corrected recipe )
4 ounces fresh ginger (weigh it when you buy it)
1 cup water
2 t. baking soda
1 Cup mild molasses
2/3 Cup honey
2/3 C. vegetable oil
2 1/2 C. flour (part whole-wheat if desired)4 ounces fresh ginger (weigh it when you buy it)
1 cup water
2 t. baking soda
1 Cup mild molasses
2/3 Cup honey
2/3 C. vegetable oil
1 t. ground cinnamon
1/2 t. ground cloves
1/2 ground black pepper
2 eggs
Trim off any bad places from ginger. Then blend with water in blender or food processor until very fine. If "strings" from the root remain, seive them off. Bring water mixture to a boil, add soda, stir and turn heat off. Add molasses, oil, and honey (I measure the oil first, then add the others in the same measuring container and they don't stick to the container so much.)
Measure dry ingredients into a mixing bowl. Add liquids. Mix briefly. Add eggs, mixing until everything is thoroughly combined. Pour into oiled and floured (or parchment lined) baking dish (8" x 11" works well). Bake at 350 for 40-45 minutes. Cool. Serve with ice cream or whipped cream/cool whip. Can add peaches, applesauce, or bananas as a garnish.
Friday, August 8, 2008
Wave Power
I had never thought about the power of waves - but they are amazing - and a source of alternative power. The Technology Quarterly in the June 7 Economist has a lot of articles on energy. The one about harnessing wave power is especially interesting. It seems that it is a fairly undeveloped field, and the methods seem rudimentary. The main problem they are having is the way the waves batter the equipment they use. Other problems are getting the power back to shore where it can be used. The waves are free, but the equipment and maintenance are not. It will be an area to watch.
Dr. Mom
Dr. Mom
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Wind power
I am interested in seeing the various types of alternative power that are being considered. Wind power seems like a good alternative -- just a little expensive, but it doesn't seem that it would cause any negative effect on the environment, unless someone objects to seeing pointy spinning things on towers in an otherise unblemished landscape. I've heard that you can get windmill devises for your roof (more round than pointy). Anyone know anything more of have an opinion?
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